Better Than a Weasel
by danniperson
Summary: Ron and Draco try to name their newborn son. RWDM, SSHP


**A/N:** This story can be read alone, but it is a part of the Married, With Children (MWC) series.

_**Chronological Order**_: **Better Than a Weasel**, Too Young, Scarred For Life

_**Published**_: Too Young, Scarred for Life, Better Than a Weasel

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><p><strong>BETTER THAN A WEASEL<strong>

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><p>With their son in their arms, following hours of agony for Draco and terror for Ron who had been threatened with castration, the happy couple thought their troubles had ended, at least for a little while. An exhausted Draco Malfoy was laying in the hospital bed, cradling his newborn son in his arms. He certainly looked the part of a Malfoy. The same pointed chin, the same silvery eyes, the same pale blond tuff of hair. This had surprised Ron, who had expected a ginger child, like everyone else in his family, but as he thought his husband was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, Ron didn't mind this so much.<p>

"We can always keep trying until we get a redhead," Ron joked.

Draco's gray eyes narrowed at his husband. "I don't think so. Once was enough."

"C'mon!" Ron said. "My parents had seven kids!"

"I AM NOT HAVING SEVEN KIDS!"

"I WASN'T SAYING YOU SHOULD!" Ron snapped back. "Sheesh. I was just saying more than one isn't so bad."

"Then _you_ have the next one," Draco said stiffly.

"Err…One is good," Ron said quickly, climbing into the bed beside Draco and wrapping his arms around the smaller man, pressing his lips against Draco's sweaty blond hair. The red head couldn't remember being so happy or so proud of his husband. This was his little boy and Ron could hardly wait until everyone else showed up so he could boast and brag about his little son and show him off to everyone.

"We should probably come up with a name before everyone arrives," Draco said, leaning down to kiss the newborn's head.

"Right," Ron said, grinning happily. He had already had something in mind. "Wilbur Ronald Weasley."

Draco froze, blinked, then turned to stare incredulously at Ron. "You're joking."

Ron frowned. "No."

"I am not naming my son _Wilbur_," Draco scoffed. "Or Weasley, for that matter."

Ron's eyes flashed angrily. "Now wait a minute! He's my kid!"

"And he's mine as well," Draco reminded him icily.

"But…I'm his _dad_!" Ron said, wishing Draco could understand. He was a Weasley, damn it!

"So am I!" Draco snapped.

"Yeah, well…You gave birth to him, Dray. You're more his mum than anything, aren't you?" Ron pointed out gently.

That didn't help much.

If looks could kill, Ron would be dying in the slowest, most painful way imaginable. He gulped, moving off of the bed and backing away from his furious husband.

"I am not a woman, Ronald Weasley, and you would do best to remember that before I stick my prick up your arse and remind you how much of a man I really am," Draco snarled.

"N-not around Wilbur!" Ron said quickly. The kid wasn't even an hour old yet and already he was hearing such naughty things from his parents!

"There is no Wilbur," Draco snapped, though he seemed properly chastised, looking down at his son in concern. Ron breathed a sigh of relief, but it caught Draco's attention. "I'm not done with you yet, Weasley."

"I didn't mean anything bad by it," Ron complained. "I only meant…Well…Y'see, the kid's supposed to take my last name cause…Well…It was my sperm used to make him, right? And well…Since you gave birth he should at least have my name. He even looks more like you! So…Yeah. S'only fair, I think, that he has my name and all. I mean…"

Nothing seemed to be helping. Ron was doing his best not to state that he was the man in the relationship! Wasn't that how it worked? He topped most of the time, he had proposed to Draco, and Draco was the one who had carried the baby! Ron knew that Draco was a bloke, but he still had the woman's role, didn't he? No way Ron said it would sound very nice, though. His husband was already mad at him! And on the day of their son's birth!

They had already argued the whole Weasley versus Malfoy debate when they got married and Draco refused to take his name. The issue hadn't even come up when they decided to have the baby! Ron had only assumed that since he was…in the role he was in…that he would be a Weasley! Little Wilbur Ronald Weasley. Poor Ron had had his heart set on it! He even thought Draco would be pleased that Ron had gone through all of the trouble of finding a baby name! It was harder than it looked, really. He wanted to surprise Draco and now it was ruined.

"Well since I did have to go through giving birth to him, I should be able to pick his name!" Draco said firmly.

"But…" Ron protested, scratching the side of his head. He couldn't continue, as he didn't really have much of an argument against that. Still. Draco would want some dumb name! Like…Well, like most purebloods, really! He'd want something fancy, aristocratic, difficult, and…well…_Malfoyish_! "But you…you _wanted_ to have him!"

Draco blinked in surprise, a momentary flash of hurt moving through his gray eyes that made Ron cringe. Then he became cold, seeming to draw the whining baby closer to his body. "Well, you should have mentioned when I brought it up that you _didn't_."

"Didn't what?" Ron asked dumbly.

"Didn't want him," Draco snarled.

"But I did! I do!" Ron said. "I just mean…Well…You brought it up…and you…Well, you wanted to _have_ him, remember?"

The blond gave the redhead a suspicious look before relaxing somewhat. "Well, I chose the responsibility of carrying our offspring in hopes that he, and any future spawn, inherit the elegance and the intelligence of the Malfoy family instead of…Well…_ginger_ genes."

"There's nothing wrong with being a ginger," Ron muttered. "You used to think I was good looking."

Draco snorted. "Well, I certainly wasn't after you for your money."

"Then why _are_ we together, then?" Ron snapped.

"We've been over this, love," Draco sighed heavily. "I am suffering the consequences of an accidental overdose of a love potion combined with the intense reaction of adding liquor into the mix. It could have been quite fatal, and while I may have survived, it has cursed me with these…unusual sentiments for you."

Despite the fact that the two were clearly irritated with each other, Ron couldn't help but laugh and climb back into bed with his ruffled husband. He wasn't sure who had started it, but he and Harry often found amusement in the fact that their husbands liked to blame their feelings for them on a love potion gone wrong. Ron had fallen for it before until Harry assured him that they were just salvaging some small bit of their pride with the excuse. They were Slytherins, after all, who were in love with two Gryffindors they had spent many years despising. Over the past few years, Ron had grown used to it. Now he wrapped his arms back around the blond and kissed his cheek. "I love you, too, ferret."

Draco snorted.

Ron sighed. "So…What did you have in mind?"

"Well…I had really only thought of a girl's name," Draco said. "Clytemnestra Wilhelmina Malfoy. But he's a boy…So…"

Ron cringed at the name. Clytemnestra Wilhelmina Malfoy? Thank Merlin it wasn't a girl! Hopefully any boy names he liked would be better.

"What about November? Cause it's November 9," Ron pointed out.

"Absolutely not," Draco sneered. "Though you could be on the right track. What's the zodiac sign for this time of the month?"

"Errr…I dunno," Ron said.

"Scorpio," said a voice from the doorway. "Your son's a Scorpio."

Ron and Draco looked up to see the speaker, Severus Snape, along with his husband, Harry Potter, who was holding their seven month old son, Donovan. The little boy was laying contentedly against his birth father, head pressed against the side of Harry's neck, lazily sucking on his middle and forefingers while his black eyes slowly surveyed the room. He had been a relatively calm baby since birth, Ron recalled, and looked down at the fussy baby in Draco's arms. He wasn't screaming very loudly, but he had been making noise nonstop and was twisting around so much in Draco's arms, Ron was surprised he hadn't been dropped yet!

"How did you come up with Donny's name?" Ron asked.

Severus glared at him. "His name is Donovan, Mr. Weasley. Not _Donny_…"

"Donny's name," Harry began, grinning as his husband glared at him.

"Whichever of you began that nickname, I will find out who it was," Severus warned them stiffly. "And I must ask that you cease and desist immediately."

"Shut your trap, old man," Harry said, nudging him. "I gave birth to him, I'll call him whatever I damn well please. Donny, Don, Van, Vanny, DJ, James, Jamie…Whatever I want. Bad enough you _named_ him!"

"You were sleeping and he needed a name," Severus defended. "I at least made James his _middle_ name."

"As opposed to his _first name_. You damn well know what I wanted to name him," Harry said calmly. James Harrison Snape had been Harry's pick, and since Severus had never argued against it, everyone figured he had slipped Harry a sleeping potion after the birth so he could sneak and get the birth certificate signed before the younger wizard had a chance to go through with the name.

"No use arguing about it now," Severus said.

"For the twentieth time," Harry laughed.

"I wish Draco would go to sleep," Ron said mournfully.

"Ha. What does he have in mind?" Harry asked.

"Nothing but a weird girl name," Ron said.

"There's nothing wrong with Clytemnestra," Draco sniffed.

"A perfectly adequate female name," Severus nodded.

"Thank Merlin the poor kid wasn't born with a vag," Harry said.

"Agreed," Ron said.

"This one wants to name him _Wilbur_. Wilbur Weasley," Draco said, wrinkling his nose.

"You both suck at this," Harry laughed.

"What's wrong with Wilbur?" Ron demanded.

"It's horrendous," Severus replied.

"Y'know, Donovan's not such a bad name," Harry said.

"I told you," Severus replied.

"Back on topic," Draco said. "We were trying to name our son."

"So you going to name him Scorpio, then?" Harry asked, sitting in a nearby chair.

"Maybe," Draco said.

"But…but that's like scorpion, isn't it?" Ron said.

"Scorpion's not a bad name," Harry grinned.

"Aren't scorpions kind of like spiders?" Ron demanded, paling.

"What about Scorpius?" Severus suggested. "And scorpions are not spiders, though they both belong to the _Arachnida_ class.

"I like Scorpius," Draco said, looking down at his baby. "Scorpius…Hmm…Hyperion! Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy."

"Malfoy?" Harry repeated in confusion.

"I tried to talk him out of it," Ron said sadly.

"Oh get over it, Ronald," Draco sighed. "Your mother has five other sons. The Weasley name will get passed down somehow."

"Nah. Only four more chances. Percy changed his name to Wood when he and Oliver got married. Remember?" Ron asked.

"I don't keep up with those things," Draco said.

"They're your family, too!"

"What Draco is trying to say, Mr. Weasley, is that there are other chances for the Weasley name to be passed on, while Draco is the only hope for the Malfoy name to get passed on," Severus cut

in.

"Unless Lucius and Penelope decide to reproduce," Harry snorted.

"Let's hope not," Draco cringed.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ron muttered. "But…How will they know he's _mine_?"

"_What_?" Draco hissed, starting to get worked up again.

"Merlin! You're worse than a bloody woman," Ron muttered, raising his hands in surrender.

"We've been over this…" Draco said warningly.

"Is that what we sound like?" Harry whispered to his husband.

"Likely. Though perhaps on a more intelligent level than these two dunderheads," Severus muttered.

"I am not a dunderhead!" Draco snapped. "My idiot husband has been calling me a woman…"

"I never called you a woman! I only said you were his mum…"

"Ooooh boy," Harry sighed.

"I always knew he was daft. I don't know why this surprises me," Severus muttered.

"I just _mean_," Ron said, "that he looks just like you! And he'll be called Malfoy, and he'll have that funny name, and…How will anyone know he's my kid? _I_ barely know he's my kid."

He said it jokingly, though it still earned him a glare. Draco seemed to feel his husband's distress, however, and looked down thoughtfully at the now sleeping bundle. Everyone watched silently as Draco searched, then grinned triumphantly. "There," he said, pointing to Scorpius's shoulder.

"What?" Ron asked confusedly, looking down.

"A freckle," Draco told him. "So he must be yours."

"A freckle?"

"Mhm."

"One freckle…?

"Two freckles, actually. See?"

"Fine then. _Two_ freckles, so he must be mine?"

"Exactly."

"That is the most atrocious logic…" Severus began, but Harry nudged him again with a loud "Shhhh!"

"And…Oh, yes. He has your ears."

"My _ears_?" Ron asked incredulously, looking down intently at the boy. He then looked at Draco's ears, then turned to the Potter-Snapes. "Anyone have a mirror?"

Severus muttered under his breath as he went about transfiguring a spare phial into a mirror then handing it to Ron who looked into his own reflection, then down at Scorpius, then back again. Finally he grinned and handed the mirror back to Severus. "Right. Two freckles and the ears!"

"Yep," Harry said, trying to hold back his laughter. "There's no denying he's yours."

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><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Hope you liked! Please review!


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